Steppin Out of the Boat: September 2011

got your attention? Well, something grabbed my attention, more like seized my heart this morning when my husband and I had a moment. We were in the throws of communication challenges with our oldest daughter. And by that, I mean, she shuts down. So we are trying to as simply and lovingly as possible let her know we want her to talk to us, to tell us why she's upset, and reassure her that no matter what she says (i.e. I'm mad at Mommy/Daddy) she will not be in trouble. Insert 1 month, of her clearly communicating and effectively tattlling and telling all sorts of things in such a way that lead us to believe she understood alot more than she actually does. Believing she understood so much more, (when sorting through sibling dissagreements and who hurt whom, and who started what and who is being purposefully mean) and based on her clear answers there was a lot more frustration and discipline handed out over the last month than there should have been. We are not perfect, we never were. We are going to make just as many mistakes with our adoptive children and then some than we did and still do with our bio children. I used to always think in other situations, this is too hard, shouldn't God's will for our lives feel good? be easier than this?...kind of like the image we have in our heads of how great the careers are of those who are actually doing what they love to do. But the Lord shows us otherwise.....we are called to walk in the sufferings of Christ, as he refines us, as we grow in our relationship with him..... He shows me here (these verses are from the Message):

Luke 9:23 Then he told them what they could expect for themselves: "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?

Peter 4:1 [ Learn to Think Like Him ] Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

Fortunately, I have learned just a bit of the truth of these scriptures, and we didn't enter into this calling without understanding that it was going to be hard. However that doesn't mean that there aren't going to be hard lessons, greater truths exposed in our lives as we walk this beautiful winding and yes, sometimes painful path that the Lord is using for His glory (now, I don't imagine much is glorifying these days, but that is the goal...our heart's desire, that something of our mess will glorify God even if He is the only one who sees).

So our peaceful chat began and ended calmly and quickly with a refusal to talk. Mom (that's me) quietly exited stage left in tears (upon Dad's que) and waited. He then placed her in his arms like a baby (he later shared), and tried once again to break through and he had success. No real answers to the questions we were asking, but answering something and talking. YES!! We praised profusely. Inside I'm thinking, but we got no where, I know no more than I did an hour ago about WHY she was mad. But this is the hole I dug, by being too reactionary for the last month, and the undoing/redoing only started 2 days ago, so it's going to take time. It's going to be a very slow process.   And yes, in a perfect world I would've had more training, read more books, and been pychologically educated on all these matters...but that is just not reality for a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of 3...and that is what and who I was when God chose to place this calling on our hearts with a blaze. So I move forward, I regroup, I pray for wisdom from my heavenly Father...finding peace that this is His plan, He loves each of my children more than me, all FIVE of them, and He's not going to let me screw this up. He is sovereign. I must continue to Yield, Yield anew each day to His promptings, to respond in selfless love, a kind of love that we don't naturally overflow with, the kind that only comes from Jesus Christ. I don't have that kind of love to give, unless I receive it first from Christ.

When my husband brought my daughter in to share a few words that she had spoken to him, we praised and then he and I had a moment to reflect on what just happened. I said, we had such a beautiful day of total love yesterday (Sat.), no one had to go in timeout, lots of cuddling and pampering, pedicures by Mom for the girls (whew), and I can't expect it to be mended overnight.   He said, "We've got to earn her trust again, not that we lost it all, but we've got to earn it in a deeper way."
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And then I shared that I struggle with keeping that emotional energy there throughout my day. It breaks you down to keep pouring into these challenging exchanges when your child can communicate, but just refuses to. And then I said it.

"It is so hard when someone is making demands all day long, every day and you get nothing in return." And my husband looked into my eyes and the realization came across his and my face at the same time....
He said, "we are getting a small taste..." And I said "Stop, stop, don't say anymore!" Tears flowed.

In my heart I realized that this, this pain, is but a taste of what I, we, put God through EVERY day. Isn't that a picture of our prayer lives, our relationship with God? We pray, and ask and beg and plead, and DEMAND help of him ALL THE TIME...and we give him Nothing in Return.

Oh the lessons we learn, how God regroups us, redirects us, even at home on a Sunday. I want to be at my church, enjoying corporate worship, but the time is not yet. So as I prepare for home church, while we are bonding with our new additions, I will ponder anew the priviledge I have been given to love, to be loved, to be pruned, to learn more of my Father's unfailing love on this path He has set before us. So grateful that we said yes, when it would've been much easier to say no. Even in these hard phases it is worth it, right now. I can only be filled with hope for all that the Lord is going to restore, and all the beauty that will come from these ashes.

^(F)And not only this, but also ourselves, having ^(G)the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves ^(H)groan within ourselves, ^(I)waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, ^(J)the redemption of our body. ²⁴ For ^(K)in hope we have been saved, but ^(L)hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? ²⁵ But ^(M)if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.