One of those days...

that feels like this.

It hasn't been all bad.

  But huge chunks of the last several days..have felt like this.

 Are you with me?  We all have these days.  How do you reboot?

{Okay this post is a hodge podge if there every was one.. and I warn you it is all over the place.  I only got about 3.5 hours of sleep last night before getting up for our fingerprint appt. [btw, fingerprints done... and now we wait for APPROVAL :)]  and I'm going to bed now, without editing this. Maybe I'll get a good laugh out of this one day when I look back.  I never got around to what I set out to write about, ha!  I'm downright delirious...this is why sleep deprivation is a torture technique...our brains do not work right without a basic amount of sleep. :)}  My writing will reflect a state that looks like this...

For those of you who know me in real life (tee hee) you know that I'm an open book kinda gal.  Some would say too much so ;).  Apparently the ability to edit or simplify experiences when sharing, is one that completely missed me.  Soooo, I'm a bit long-winded.  I don't really like this about myself, in fact in recent years, it's really started to aggravate me because now I am painfully aware that I do it (share too much) and seem to be completely powerless to change.  So there you have it, this is me. 

I'm no expert on the adoption process or on the theology of adoption.  However, the knowledge of both has intersected in my life and I believe changed me and my husband and the future of our family forever.  I'm not even finished with this book yet, but anyone who wants a greater understanding of why adoption? why now?  This book is teaching me and putting together things that I have felt in my heart, but not had the full knowledge and understanding to articulate.  



 I know that so much of my journey thus far has been encouraged, eased and aided by the blogs of those who were willing to talk about their journey, to share information, and to be transparent about their lives.  So having said that, please feel free to comment and ask questions and I will reply by email if you like.

I find it interesting how American lifestyle and culture has changed SO MUCH in just 2 generations.  We now live in a time, where I feel before I even say that we are adopting 2 more children... I must preface it with , "Yes, I know we must be CRAZY!"  When I share, I immediately feel like I need to offer a disclaimer.  Usually the facial expression of the other person creates this compulsion (although I know it shouldn't) to explain WHY?  or why two?  I know I've got to get over this, because when we are united as a trans-racial family there are going to be many more questions and I'm not going to be making public service announcements in Wal-mart.  Okay, so by DIFFERENT from just 2 generations ago, I mean that my grandmother was 1 of ELEVEN children.  My husband's grandmother was 1 of TEN children.  People had lots of babies, and they all worked on the farm.  Hard work, the kind most of us don't come near in our daily lives.  Did our great-grandparents sit around and discuss ad nausea if they could afford it?  If it was fair the to the other 10 kids?  What do you think?  I think not.  Actually their lives were much closer to the reality of the culture where our adoptive children wait, than anything we've ever known.  Life was much simpler.  They didn't have ALOT.  They didn't have stuff.  They DID have family and a closeness that we are losing.  My grandmother Lucy's relationship with her siblings is a beautiful thing.  I've had the privilege of observing and experiencing their love myself as I've grown up.  My grandmother and one of her older sisters actually married brothers, and I grew up in the same town as all 4 of them.  My grandmother and her siblings, even as they aged and had grandchildren and great-grandchildren have managed to get together twice yearly to break bread and fellowship.  It is not just ritual...there is real relationship and love there on a level that I think,we are losing. 

They had family and they had faith.  We have filled our lives with alot of other "stuff and activities" that can crowd out the only two that will matter for eternity (our faith and the people we love as our neighbors and share it with).  This is something, our family is trying to be aware of and purposefully reclaim.  I ask myself more often these days, when the details of life get us twisted...when there's stress and decisions to be made...will any of this matter one day?  will the thing we are fretting over ever even be discussed when we are in Heaven for eternity?  What does God want Mandi to focus on?  And how does a simplified life hold some of the keys to what He wants for us? 

Yes I know if this were a paper (as my 3rd grader just got his back) I would fail on transitions and a focus to what I'm saying.  But hey, while I am all over the place, do you hear the new Jamie Grace song on my playlist??? I LOVE THIS SONG....it just puts Joy in my heart.  I know my songs aren't always the most suitable for blog reading...you may have to mute or turn 'em down occasionally.  However, know this...what you hear on here is ME, it is me to a tee.  I have to really love it, it has to mean something to me or put some groove in my step for me to put it on here.  I love this new artist and Toby Mac on there too. 

Okay Night,

Mandi

P.S. Spell check is hating me right now and my made up words.  English teachers were not my fans...that's why I ended up in math and science.  God bless you for reading this :)

Fingerprints, Papers and LOVE! oh my....

The HOME STUDY is ON!!!

(and I feel like a kid at Christmas)

I try to temper my excitement, my head knows that this is the first 20 seconds of a marathon, but I can't contain my JOY!

I just can't express what it means to be putting one foot in front of the other on the path to my children.  I was looking back through old emails, and found that yes it was September of 2009 when I first started contacting Agencies and Baby Homes in an attempt to knock on a bunch of doors and see if God was waiting to swing one of them wide open.  When you are yielding to God in a HUGE way for the first time in your life by choice, not because a life circumstance has jolted you off course demanding dependence on God . . . you do lots more questioning and second guessing of what you've heard and what you are doing.

 [when I read back over this post, i realized whoa it's about to take a totally different direction than I expected....my thoughts just poured out, so hang in there with me] 

I'm a deep thinker, I ponder alot in this little head of mine [well truthfully it's a bit large -hat size larger than hubby, with a high forehead to match, haha].  And if you are reading this, can I just say "you CAN'T ask a question I haven't asked."  How did our yielding to Christ, lead to adoption?  Well, it started with focusing on the Bible.  What did Christ say?  What did He mean?  In Matthew 6:9-34 Jesus gives us instruction on prayer, forgiveness, fasting, priorities in this life, the focus of our life (what are we investing our time in), having faith in God as our provider, and seeking first His kingdom and the peace that follows that decision.

What does it mean to live out this life in Christ?  Can't I just accept Jesus as Lord and Savior and then blend right on in with the rest of the world and go about getting an education, starting a career, getting married, and having my 2.5 kids if lucky and then staying as comfortable as possible until I die? Because really let's admit it...we have churches full of God-fearing people (I used to be one) who accepted the gift of Christ, realized that He is our salvation and are just hanging out legalistically checking some boxes of service and giving back, satisfied just to know they have the equivalence of a life insurance policy to cash in one day guaranteeing entrance to Heaven.  No matter how old or young we were are, no matter what stage of life we are in when we accept Christ as Savior, that is just the beginning of life in Christ.  That is, the abundant life God designed for us to have in Christ [John10:10].  I've learned that the life Jesus spoke of, isn't the one we wait for when one fine day our time on this earth is done and we are rewarded with a new body in a place of no more pain and suffering.  That part is true, but it's starts now.  [John 15:1-17] I've known these verses about the vine & the branches since I was a kid.  And I've heard that I must "abide" or "remain" in Christ...but I've struggled my whole life as a believer to be able to live that out with any authenticity or confidence that I was doing it right.  Oooh, there's that legalism phrase, "doing it right"...that's just it we can't do it, not in our own strength or smarts. [Trust this type A, over achiever, firstborn- been there done that] What we can do is surrender to Christ every day, yes each morning anew, letting Him know that we want to die to our own way of thinking, to die to self, to get US out of the way so He can live through us. [2 Cor.4:11] [Reading that last sentence over, it sounds like a bunch of Christianese, which Lord knows when you've heard it all your life it's hard to stay clear of] In reality for me, that meant admitting to God that I wasn't smart enough to solve my problems, didn't have enough will power to be a better wife, mom or daughter, and didn't have the strength to follow him in obedience.  The power to do any of that comes from Christ in me.  Christ in me, has the power to respond differently.  Oh man, and now does this verse take on a whole new meaning....

2 Corinthians 12:9-10     But he said to me, "My grace if sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

  

 How do we get us and our thinking out of the way?  We spend time in God's word being transformed by the renewing of our mind [Romans 12:2].  Okay, okay so I've known the "Sunday school answer" of spending time in God's word as the method of doing this.  So why after 25 years of being "saved" am I just now thirsty enough to put some action to it??  I don't know, I was finally at the true end of me [a slow journey starting about 5-years ago] and realized there had to be more to the Christian life.  I got a glimpse of what Christ could do in me, to change me, to give me victory in areas that had beaten me up for years, when I finally gave up control and "trying".

     If we aren't actively pursuing Christ, wanting just to know God our heavenly Father more and more, we are missing it.  I was missing it.  Don't miss it. 

 [detour over, if you're still reading :)]

So when you start drawing close to God, and spending time reading His word, He begins to give you the desires of your heart.  New ones, desires that come from the center of His will if we are yielding.  So back to all my questions...Is God really the one awakening us to the orphan crisis? [James 1:27] Is this just my idea to help someone? [Matthew 25:31-40] Is this message for all of us?  What are we waiting for?  Is this really the best idea for my family?  How do you know if just giving money isn't enough?  That's somebody's part to play, right?  For believers, we know that there are many parts to the Body of Christ and we are all one of the parts that works together.  Well why can't I just be a prayer? 

 That's a part of participating in loving and caring for orphans, isn't it?  Well if praying is my assigned task, then what are the unique criteria for those who are actually supposed to ADOPT children?  Oh is that only for those who have infertility challenges?  Yea, I don't find that in my Bible.  Somehow I don't think the numbers work out on that for the 147 million + orphans in our world.

I can honestly say after a year and a half of waiting, I've never been more sure of anything.  And while there have been many tears in the wait, I can now rest in knowing that it was to grow me, to change me, to challenge me, so that I would be this sure of what God has planned for my family.   It was to get me to the place where's God's opinion is the only one I care about.  And can I just say, that THIS PLACE (where I've never been before) holds more peace than I have ever fathomed.  It is a peace and assurance that can only come from my Creator, and it isn't rattled by the day to day reminders of my imperfections.  This extended WAIT was to get me to the place where I no longer look to any other person for assurance that I'm "doing the right thing."  This is no small feat for a first born type A people person.  It has also been a season for bringing my husband and I together in strength.  After God, His opinion is the only one that matters.  The fact that all my prayers about He and I being on the same page have been answered and He is leading the charge through this adoption process is such a blessing that brings more peace regarding our adoption of two more children into our family. 

We are expecting our referrals any Day now...my heart is going to ExPLoDe!!

The Original Adoption Story...

is about Moses.  I am drawing & painting some murals to carry over to the baby home we will be visiting in Jinja Uganda in THREE WEEKS (can't believe it's almost here).  After searching & selecting several great Bible story scenes... I selected the image of baby Moses being found by the princess as my largest one, the one I wanted to be special. I liked the colors and then it hit my heart...Moses was ADOPTED.  Now several weeks later, someone else posted this video.  God is ALL about adoption, please keep your heart open to ALL that God may be calling you to.  I don't even know what to do with my heart after I watch this.  Pause my music at the bottom, before you play the video. 



I have to tell you, when I see these precious children sleeping end to end on this bed... I see MY 8 year old, and MY 4 year old, & MY 2 year old.  How would I feel, thinking about my Isaiah going to sleep at night, ALL ALONE? My son sucks his 2 middle fingers as a comfort, and my baby girl her thumb.  This comforts them as they fall asleep.  They also go to this position when nervous, shy, tired or scared.  There have been moments when I put Lucy in time-out and she curled up and the thumb went in her mouth...it hurt my heart (even though she needs my discipline) to think of her having to self-sooth "from Mommy". I know this is a self-soothing technique, and my heart broke thinking about the children who ONLY have themselves for comfort.  Who is there when they have a bad dream?  No child should have to go to sleep at night without the love of a mother & father.  This is not God's plan.  His word tells us, "I will not leave you as orphans."  So what do we do?  It will be different for all of us, but not SO different.  I mean, we can't all say,"well we aren't called to that", some "other" family will have to adopt.  Who are the somebody elses if not Christ followers; with His love to give, with faith in Him to get them through the challenges, with a belief that this life is about so much more than ourselves?   For our family this means we can no longer pretend that we don't know this need is out there.

 "...once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."(Proverbs 24:12)

 
We can't say that adoption is just for those with infertility.  We can't excuse ourselves from the reality that we are somewhat equipped as the parents of three, to give the love, care, guidance, & nurturing required to raise a few more arrows in this world. 
This statistic must be faced. 

 34% OF CHRISTIAN FAMILIES

           CONSIDER ADOPTING

           AND ONLY 1 % OF  CHRISTIAN FAMILIES

           ACTUALLY DO.

If we are the hands and feet of Jesus as we await His return, what would He ask of us?  I know the question that "we" had to answer, that flies in the face of all things "American Dream" ....is WHAT are WE LIVING FOR?  What is the end goal?  It's not just to get three kids "raised", let them do all the possible sports/activities they want, get them through college, and do our best to guide them to their own personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  See that last part there, if that is priority #1, showing them by example what walking through this life with Jesus is like ....then that changes everything.  I'm not saying they don't need to be well-rounded, or get a college education.  I'm just saying that when I stand before my maker one day, He's not going to ask about my college degree, or my hobbies or sports, or accomplishments on the job.  All of that is a means to an end, and END of glorifying God with my life.