Camping - Chaos - Christ Alone

I love camping.  Now that such a huge portion of my life is teaching little ones, managing the inside of a house, trying to teach them right from wrong, just washing the darn clothes.... I need to be outside and breathe deep EVERY chance I get.  So with my oldest in school for the first time in 4 years, I can see a holiday coming a mile away and I propose things to my husband to see what sticks.  Since adopting 2 children into our family just 6 months ago, this past weekend was our 2nd camping trip together as a family of seven.  I get a chuckle each time we fill out the online reservation form...cause the MAX OCCUPANCY allowed on any campsite is 6.  Why?  Because it's designed for a single family to stay on a site and what family in their right mind would have more than 4 kids?!??  Well, an insane one like ours.  So I check 6, and take my chances that no one is going to come up and count kids, ha!   

Packing is a daunting task, but the hope of peaceful time by the fire, peaceful kids so thrilled by the free space in the woods that they play without fighting, makes me keep going.  I was up until 3am in the morning the night before we were to leave, pressure cooking my first chicken (Jeremy received an electric pressure cooker for Xmas...wonder who it was really for) and then attempting to make something akin to the delicious chicken salad my Momma is known and loved for.   Why so late?  Cause even though I worked all day long to get caught up on 12 loads of laundry I had just done over the last 2 days while hubbie was out-of-town... it just never gets completed while the kids are awake.  They demand your attention.....someone needs something, someone is thirsty, someone needs their hiney wiped (the joy of my day to hear this sound bellow through the house.... "Mooooommma!  DONE!!!!!!!!")  Niiiiice you say.  Yes it is, and I remember this too shall pass.  I'm human, it grates on my nerves...and yes I prefer the demand versus the cleanup if I left them to take care of matters for themselves. 

So there I am, just 2 hours after I returned home from Walmart at 12:30am...cause I didn't leave my house for those 2 days to venture out with all 4 littles to the grocery store.  I waited until the hubs returned and then went....so I can think while I'm in there, instead of ending up with a bunch of random junk that we don't need.  And you know what? It was the first time I'd "fixed my face" (gotta love that Southern phrase) in those 3 days and put on decent looking clothes.  As I left to go at 11:30 that night I looked at my man and said, "I'm having a date with myself.  How do I look?"  I was happy as a lark, going through Walmart all by myself at midnight, able to take my time, without interruption and think.  This is my new normal.  How did I end up on this planet?  It has been such a strange and unpredictable winding road, I don't have the foggiest... I just know one decision to yield...led to another....led to another and here I am.  One highly educated, overachieving, student government nerd, ladder climbing girl.....now completely morphed into an unplanned preschool teacher who lives in pjs and sweats most days.  That's pretty funny, since a few years back (okay more like 6), after my first stint teaching the 4 year olds at VBS one summer, I declared I was NOT cut out for this age group.  I came home in a dither each day, frightened by my own inability to keep a Christlike attitude with a room full of 30+ 4 year olds who couldn't sit still, much less actually listen to the bible story I was trying to teach them.  I felt like I was accomplishing nothing in teaching or sharing Jesus with them.  Now fast forward to my life today, where my home has TWO 3 year olds, a four year old and a 6 year old home each day....it has to be God's plan cause it certainly wasn't mine.  Sometimes I shrug my shoulders and say, "Lord?  What was all the engineering for?"  I really feel in my heart though, that one day, ONE day, it will all come full circle and that part of my life too, will make sense.  All in His timing.

Back to packing and trying to get ready to leave for a 3 day weekend.  That sounds so simple, just throw in some clothes and food and get out of there already.  I know!!!! But, everything takes longer...not just 2 more kids longer....exponentially longer.  Not complaining, it's just a part of the equation that I'm still not calculating and adjusting enough for.  So, to keep the peace, we've let go of stressing over our inability to meet our own departure deadlines.  We just keep going, keep doing, until we can leave without any marital spats (so worth it, after years of leaving and not talking to each other for the first hour in the car, :)).  We finally pulled out of the driveway at 12:30 lunchtime and not half way to the state park (only 1 hour away) I heard the echos of children over the rumble of the diesel engine letting me know they were huuuuungry.  Well, duh!  It took your Momma and Daddy so long, it is past lunch time. But don't tell me again, or I just might explode and it won't be pretty.  Grrrr.  4 hours sleep anyone??  Not a good combination. 

Finally we made it to Skidaway Island State Park and as Jeremy signed us in, I was whipping out chicken salad sandwiches.  Isaiah had already eaten half of his bread (that I asked him to hold) before I could get the chicken on it.  Now that's why I stayed up to get it made....the beauty of having yummy lunch so quickly & it's something besides PB & J, or ham and cheese. 

We find a site and they are gorgeous. Large sites, very uncommon these days...surrounded by large live oaks dripping in Spanish Moss.  It doesn't get much better than that.  We start to get the camper situated and turn the kids loose on their trikes and bikes. Within minutes... DISCOURSE.  I've done all this work to get here, and that's as long as the serenity lasted???  Oh yea, who am I kidding?  A vacation is just the same work as at home with different scenery. :)  Seriously, they are fighting over a 15 x 20 foot tent pad with a picnic table in the middle....trying to race tricycles and pikes in a circle around it.  Don't even ask me why?  All the ground around us, was flat and wide open.  In these moments, when you just want a reprieve from the constant need for parental input into their lives....we realize that parenting is the hardest job in the world!!!! The task of teaching little ones right from wrong and getting them to care about it....it is overwhelming.  So we sat there, inside the camper for a moment, ignoring the petty sibling stuff going on outside and staring at each other.   Silence (well, kindof..RV walls are thin).  My mind spinning with all the things to contemplate in these moments...it's a wonder my head doesn't spin right off most days.  Then I say it, "Don't we need to be stronger for this task?"  "Are others better able to handle this?"  I'm talking about spiritually, inner attitude, grounded in Christ....with a transformed mind that can respond to all these moments as Christ would have us.  That is when I realize,  we can't be strong enough, I wasn't strong enough.  It really wasn't "us" that said yes.  We are as big of a work in progress MESS as the day before God wreaked us, flipped our worldview upside down and gave us a heart for orphans and adoption.  Hubbie and I have had this conversation several times in the last 6 months.  If this is really what God wanted us to do, shouldn't we be better at it?  That's just it, we weren't picked because we were ready for it...we were picked because we had quieted our selfish selves long enough during that season, we'd earnestly prayed to die to ourselves (clearly having no real idea what that would look like) so that we might truly see how He wanted us to live for Him, and then He did it.  Christ in us, moved us.  It was Him that said YES!! 

That's just it!  There was nothing better, or more mature about us in that season.  It was Christ, in our hearts, that created an obsession out of thin air....a compassionate obsession that kept me up nights reading and praying all hours.  Staring at picture after picture of the ebony faces and ivory smiles that called us to a land half a world away.  How could I be feeling such love for a people I'd never met and a place I'd never seen?  It made no sense.  Was this just a diversion, a misplaced area of internet connection, another bad habit instead of thumbing mindlessly though junk TV while my husband was working the night shift??? (Fall 2009)  It was Christ who said, yes.  Now I understand why other people have testified, that following God wasn't really a choice...there is no choice to say no.  Obedience was the only answer.  The thought processes, the unexplainable aching of the heart was relentless...and the only thing that brought relief, was uttering YES....and feeling the uncertainty of the water stretched out before us...and yet greater still was the faith that was growing, with every breath that we used to speak outloud our answer of yes.  It grew and grew.  

And now, on the other side of Christ's yes....when I am knee-deep in the work that is defied by my selfish nature, can be sabatoged any minute by anger, and I wonder why it's so hard sometimes...I remember once again. I must get myself, my ways, my thoughts, my plans OUT. OF. THE. WAY..and surrender to Christ.  He must be given full reign, of my heart, my attitude, my mind, in order for His plan for our family, and each individual in it to come to fruition.   

Now that I know what I need to do.. how do I do it?  Well that's another post.  How do you do it?  How do you keep Christ in control of your life as a Mom?  Knowing what needs to be done, and having the daily action steps to live it, can seem light years apart.  And so we press on.


Acts 20:24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
1 Corinthians 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
1 Corinthians 9:25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.

Press on dear sisters & brothers.

In the midst of all the Lord is teaching us.....there is GREAT JOY!!
We press on and we pray....and so we did.  We prayed over our kids and our weekend. And the rest of it, looked a little like the video below.

[see all that hard work to go camping...all the chores I left undone at home

....they were all worth it....see below:)]  At the end of the video you'll see us finding something in the marine forest....welcome to the world of geocaching, aka grown-up treasure hunting with a GPS.

Pause the Music at the bottom before starting the video.

This song is a special choice for all our Sonrise Family

 and those who have visited Sonrise in Jinja, Uganda.

  This song can always be heard when visitors are being farewelled,

 and at any celebration.

My little Freddie's eyes lit up as he heard the song playing on my laptop
 and he began singing along.

Oh Father

Oh Father...

 

Flies, wasps, ants,  they all chase after me

Fears, worries, anxieties,  I give them all to Thee

The power of the wind, reminds me you are near

In you alone I trust, whom shall I fear?

My children of the pearl, I know nothing of their hearts

Our lack of communication, is tearing me apart

Praise God it's only temporary

for it's His plan you see

One day my precious children

will finally be with me

Fingerprints, Papers and LOVE! oh my....

The HOME STUDY is ON!!!

(and I feel like a kid at Christmas)

I try to temper my excitement, my head knows that this is the first 20 seconds of a marathon, but I can't contain my JOY!

I just can't express what it means to be putting one foot in front of the other on the path to my children.  I was looking back through old emails, and found that yes it was September of 2009 when I first started contacting Agencies and Baby Homes in an attempt to knock on a bunch of doors and see if God was waiting to swing one of them wide open.  When you are yielding to God in a HUGE way for the first time in your life by choice, not because a life circumstance has jolted you off course demanding dependence on God . . . you do lots more questioning and second guessing of what you've heard and what you are doing.

 [when I read back over this post, i realized whoa it's about to take a totally different direction than I expected....my thoughts just poured out, so hang in there with me] 

I'm a deep thinker, I ponder alot in this little head of mine [well truthfully it's a bit large -hat size larger than hubby, with a high forehead to match, haha].  And if you are reading this, can I just say "you CAN'T ask a question I haven't asked."  How did our yielding to Christ, lead to adoption?  Well, it started with focusing on the Bible.  What did Christ say?  What did He mean?  In Matthew 6:9-34 Jesus gives us instruction on prayer, forgiveness, fasting, priorities in this life, the focus of our life (what are we investing our time in), having faith in God as our provider, and seeking first His kingdom and the peace that follows that decision.

What does it mean to live out this life in Christ?  Can't I just accept Jesus as Lord and Savior and then blend right on in with the rest of the world and go about getting an education, starting a career, getting married, and having my 2.5 kids if lucky and then staying as comfortable as possible until I die? Because really let's admit it...we have churches full of God-fearing people (I used to be one) who accepted the gift of Christ, realized that He is our salvation and are just hanging out legalistically checking some boxes of service and giving back, satisfied just to know they have the equivalence of a life insurance policy to cash in one day guaranteeing entrance to Heaven.  No matter how old or young we were are, no matter what stage of life we are in when we accept Christ as Savior, that is just the beginning of life in Christ.  That is, the abundant life God designed for us to have in Christ [John10:10].  I've learned that the life Jesus spoke of, isn't the one we wait for when one fine day our time on this earth is done and we are rewarded with a new body in a place of no more pain and suffering.  That part is true, but it's starts now.  [John 15:1-17] I've known these verses about the vine & the branches since I was a kid.  And I've heard that I must "abide" or "remain" in Christ...but I've struggled my whole life as a believer to be able to live that out with any authenticity or confidence that I was doing it right.  Oooh, there's that legalism phrase, "doing it right"...that's just it we can't do it, not in our own strength or smarts. [Trust this type A, over achiever, firstborn- been there done that] What we can do is surrender to Christ every day, yes each morning anew, letting Him know that we want to die to our own way of thinking, to die to self, to get US out of the way so He can live through us. [2 Cor.4:11] [Reading that last sentence over, it sounds like a bunch of Christianese, which Lord knows when you've heard it all your life it's hard to stay clear of] In reality for me, that meant admitting to God that I wasn't smart enough to solve my problems, didn't have enough will power to be a better wife, mom or daughter, and didn't have the strength to follow him in obedience.  The power to do any of that comes from Christ in me.  Christ in me, has the power to respond differently.  Oh man, and now does this verse take on a whole new meaning....

2 Corinthians 12:9-10     But he said to me, "My grace if sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

  

 How do we get us and our thinking out of the way?  We spend time in God's word being transformed by the renewing of our mind [Romans 12:2].  Okay, okay so I've known the "Sunday school answer" of spending time in God's word as the method of doing this.  So why after 25 years of being "saved" am I just now thirsty enough to put some action to it??  I don't know, I was finally at the true end of me [a slow journey starting about 5-years ago] and realized there had to be more to the Christian life.  I got a glimpse of what Christ could do in me, to change me, to give me victory in areas that had beaten me up for years, when I finally gave up control and "trying".

     If we aren't actively pursuing Christ, wanting just to know God our heavenly Father more and more, we are missing it.  I was missing it.  Don't miss it. 

 [detour over, if you're still reading :)]

So when you start drawing close to God, and spending time reading His word, He begins to give you the desires of your heart.  New ones, desires that come from the center of His will if we are yielding.  So back to all my questions...Is God really the one awakening us to the orphan crisis? [James 1:27] Is this just my idea to help someone? [Matthew 25:31-40] Is this message for all of us?  What are we waiting for?  Is this really the best idea for my family?  How do you know if just giving money isn't enough?  That's somebody's part to play, right?  For believers, we know that there are many parts to the Body of Christ and we are all one of the parts that works together.  Well why can't I just be a prayer? 

 That's a part of participating in loving and caring for orphans, isn't it?  Well if praying is my assigned task, then what are the unique criteria for those who are actually supposed to ADOPT children?  Oh is that only for those who have infertility challenges?  Yea, I don't find that in my Bible.  Somehow I don't think the numbers work out on that for the 147 million + orphans in our world.

I can honestly say after a year and a half of waiting, I've never been more sure of anything.  And while there have been many tears in the wait, I can now rest in knowing that it was to grow me, to change me, to challenge me, so that I would be this sure of what God has planned for my family.   It was to get me to the place where's God's opinion is the only one I care about.  And can I just say, that THIS PLACE (where I've never been before) holds more peace than I have ever fathomed.  It is a peace and assurance that can only come from my Creator, and it isn't rattled by the day to day reminders of my imperfections.  This extended WAIT was to get me to the place where I no longer look to any other person for assurance that I'm "doing the right thing."  This is no small feat for a first born type A people person.  It has also been a season for bringing my husband and I together in strength.  After God, His opinion is the only one that matters.  The fact that all my prayers about He and I being on the same page have been answered and He is leading the charge through this adoption process is such a blessing that brings more peace regarding our adoption of two more children into our family. 

We are expecting our referrals any Day now...my heart is going to ExPLoDe!!

Confession of a Smartypants

I have fallen, and PRIDE was the cause. 

(Buckle up, this is going to be a long & bumpy one) For those of you who know me in the "real world", HA! They are laughing.  I all too often say, "long story short" and proceed to display my complete INABILITY to edit or condense.  So love me anyway.

I was having some unproductive days. Spinning like a hamster in a wheel, doing some things for our trip to Uganda in July, letting my children "entertain" themselves a bit too much...when I began feeling like things weren't falling into place.  I didn't have peace about what I was working on, as I have experienced it in the past.  That's when a missionary mom in Uganda, whose walk blows me away, wrote THIS and I felt it was just for me.  The words of Jessie Penn jumped off the screen,

"Yes my child, but all your service has been consecrated flesh;

 the outcome of your own energy; your own plans; your own devotion.

All for Me I grant you, but yourself, all the same."

I sat with that for a few days, knowing that God was answering my question..."what's wrong here?"  I've been spinning alright, and my consecrated flesh (all my BIG ideas) has produced nothing but filthy rags.

Before Church Wed. night I learned some information that might change the dynamics of our trip to Uganda in 1 month.  Changes that would pull the rug out from under my confidence in what "we're going to do."  See a theme coming here? I stuffed those thoughts away.  I can't go there.

    

Now, go with me to church.  New church...joined a few months ago..asked to lead a "Handyman" outreach team of 1st-6th graders teaching them to "Live Out Loud" their faith.  This seemed like a perfect fit, Jeremy & I are nerdy do-it-yourselfers.  I get great "joy" out of working alongside my husband on projects. He on the otherhand puts up with me. (Maybe it's because I have too many "helpful" ideas for him too.) Ugh, there it is again...Miss Know-It-All. PRIDE.  Anyway, I digress.

    Last night was our 1st week to go out into the community & "do" a project. Well for weeks I've been trying to get a "good" project lined up.  I had MY ideas.  Nothing came together, hampered by not knowing anyone yet (couldn't be self-sufficient). Frustration.  Everything seemed like we were shoving a square peg in a round hole.  Doesn't seem like we're in God's will here, are we supposed to be doing this Lord?  Last minute request for help comes in, yardwork. Yea, perfect I thought. Details come in, not much yard...rake, do what we can to clean up, pick up trash.  It never registered TRASH, trash.  I'm a doofus thinking yard waste, limbs,leaves, etc, total miscommunication on my part.  We arrived on the scene of a long brick multiplex building.  A kind lady, new member of our church lives in the end unit.  Well her "yard" is a 10x10 square and it's clear..but on the other side of the driveway & circling around the building are overgrown shrubs/trees that are littered with trash. TRASH, the worst "side of the road" filth you've ever seen [old shoes, beer bottles, boxes, soggy clothes with worms, food wrappers, unmentionables] (okay I'll go on with it, i'm painting a picture here people :)

 Now whatcha gonna do Ms. Mandi?

Where's your smiling example for your van full of kids?

Are you going to show them how to serve?

I've gotta tell you, I FAILED.  It was horrible. My attitude inside was as ugly as the trash.  I tried, but I was trying in my flesh.  I knew inside, I was messing up, but I felt powerless to change it.  We had no gloves. We weren't prepared.  I HATE not being prepared. I had TRIED to be prepared.  I pride (oops, there it is) myself on being prepared.  We sent for gloves.  I'm warning the kids to use the inside of the trash bag to pick things up (NUT).  The mom in me is freaking out, "what will the parents say about where I've taken their kids?" Oh my image again (pride).  I realize we're in a swarm of mosquitoes. I'm talking bayou quality, hovering, biting a girl on the face.  The boys are getting in the woods, our eyes focus in on... HUGE poison oak is everywhere.  "RETREAT!", we say.  I'm one of those mosquito magnets...a slappin' fool.  One girl asks to get in the van. 

"Man we're serving now, what a bunch of wimps!"  I didn't bring bug spray (failure). 

I realize to some this may sound like not a big deal.  And yes, in reality it isn't, "so you forgot gloves & bug spray, BIG whoop".  But you'd have to be in my head. I was convicted about my feelings and I was mad that I didn't know how to fix it. We load up, nasty trash in the back (eww), slapping mosquitoes and hand-sanitizing like fools.  You would've thought we were in a Hazardous Materials situation.

God had to be laughing at this painful but much needed lesson...we took our 4yo, who loves to work and he'd stepped in "something" that was now stinking & smeared in my carpet. PUT A FORK IN ME, I'm done.  Fleshly misery at this point.

    Back at church I'm hoping nobody asks me how it went, cause I can't lie to save my life.  My feelings are ALL OVER my face.  A few questions... I try to say something positive and there is was, "Well, next time you can be prepared w/gloves & bugspray!" OH, MY ACHING PRIDE.  Later, I told my husband..."I'm going to the car."

So, take the emotions & fears I'd put away before church and add this bad serving experience, and I broke.

Lord, what am I doing?  Am I totally missing the boat here?

 Am I way outside of your will?  What if our mission trip lead doesn't go?

  What if none of what I've "been planning" is His plan?

Will I be okay if I'm not productive on my trip?

What if we don't solve the water problem? 

 What if we're not able to work & make improvements that are helpful & appreciated?

Will I go if it's only to listen to God, and see/hear what He wants to show me?

Did God tell me to solve the boil water task?  Did God tell me to buy/build furniture?

Did God tell me to create t-shirts & sell them?  OR did it just seem like the smart thing to do...are these just the things that "I" think will help them?  Do they need MY help?  Does God need MY help?  Well duh, that a resounding, NO!  My heart knows that, but has my head been leading this operation, this preparation for our trip?

If I go to Uganda and get to "do" nothing, "accomplish" nothing, how will I feel? Well 1st thought, I will have been a bad steward of $6K.  But wait, it's not MY money, it's HIS money.  This $$ didn't even exist before HE provided it.  It's HIS money, and if He wants to "waste it" [according to my earthly-smartypants thinking], then so be it.  It's HIS plan.

Didn't really even know how to pray yet...was still mad at the evening.  Okay this is just a test...now what's the right way to respond?  Hear any firstborn, parent pleasing, want to do the "right thing", in there?  The thing is, this wasn't a TEST.  It was an object lesson and here it comes (thanks for hangin in there with me).

As I talked with my husband, and later he prayed  with & for me...

God laid the truth on my heart.    

Mandi, you didn't like the trash project because it was unpredictable, you weren't prepared (even though you tried), you weren't in control, the task was so much bigger than what you & a team of kids could do in 45 min. AND the problem that needed fixin' (as we say in the South) was so vast, that even after you tried, you really couldn't tell you'd done anything.  You also weren't able to define an end goal, so there was no, "Hey we accomplished our mission."  "Let's pat ourselves on the back. Good job team."

Now child this is a picture of your Africa trip.  There is a need so great, that your 10 days aren't going to "fix" anything.  You can't be PREPARED for Africa, no way, no how.  You aren't going to be in control of anything.  Are you willing to go even if you won't feel accomplished when you get back?  Are you willing to go even if you can't "help" anybody?  So you look crazy...so some will wonder was it worth it?  I told you to GO.  I don't need your help, or BiG ideas.  I am the Sovereign Lord.  But when you submit your will to mine, and lay down your plans, out of my love for you I will include you, grow you, use you as a vessel for MY GLORY, and MY GLORY alone, no "atta Girls" here.  Just pouring my love through you.

I heard and I wept, and my mind marinated on this truth and the trickle down effect of PRIDE revealed in many areas of my daily life. I am humbled by this lesson. I rejoice that I heard God clearly, knowing that it's not a 1 time deal. I will fall again, but He is there to save me every day.

2 Corinthians 4:7

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that

this all-surpassing power is from GOD and not from us."

Radicalized ...what next?

If you're out there, I want to introduce you to someone I haven't met and can't remember how we found each other.  Our common God-thread is that we were both led to Katie Davis' blog 9 months ago,(followed by smaller details that we are both from AL and will be traveling to Uganda in July-not together).  It seems that we both have been crying out to God to be stripped of our ideas about contentment & an American future, and to be able to hear & see His plans for us (for life on this Earth), and to have the courage & strength to say, "Yes, Lord".  Go over to Compass In My Heart and read about the beginnning of her journey to James 1:27.  Christie is on fire for Jesus, and she is an inspiration to me.  After you check her out, you've got to share with others and sign up for her GIVEAWAY, read about it HERE.  It's for a signed copy, woo hoo!!  I'm in the middle of Radical now, and David Platt is "ringing my cell phone" (Pastor Kevinism) asking the following (excerpt):

     But where in the Bible is missions ever identified as an optional program in the church?  We have just seen that we were all created by God, saved from our sins, and blessed by God to make his glory known in all the world.  Indeed, Jesus himself has not merely called us to go to all nations; he has created us and commanded us to go to all nations.  We have taken this command, though, and reduced it to a calling---something that only a few people receive.

     I find it interesting that we don't do this with other words from Jesus.  We take Jesus' command in Matthew 28 to make disciples of all nations, and we say, "That means other people."  But we look at Jesus' command in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest," and we say, "Now that means me."  We take Jesus' promise in Acts 1:8 that the Spirit will lead us to the ends of the earth, and we say "That means some people." But we take Jesus' promise in John 10:10 that we will have abundant life, and we say, "That means me."

     In the process we have unnecessarily (and unbiblically) drawn a line of distinction, assigning the obligations of Christianity to a few while keeping the privileges of Christianity for us all.  In this way we choose to send off other people to carry out the global purpose of Christianity while the rest of us sit back because we're "just not called to that."

This hits me right between the eyes.  A mission trip as a teenager, volunteering at VBS all my life, having a monthly donation automatically debited from my account each month, this is not what He asks of me.  And no, I'm not suggesting that we all pick up and move to Africa (although it is a possibility we can't take off the table ;).  The answer is going to be different for each of us.  But I know the answer for each of us isn't going to be EASY.  I know Jesus didn't say, "Receive my gift of Salvation, Live for me, find a good church, go twice a week, sign-up for lots of activities, do what fits in your kids' schedules, do the latest Beth Moore bible study, cook a meal for someone, hold on tight & grit your teeth through trials, and try to stay as comfortable as possible until I return." 

Now please hear me, some of these things (I've done some with my heart in the right place & others (if I'm being honest) were checking the box or out of tradition) are absolutely serving the Lord, if led by the Holy Spirit.  But if I really read and study the words of Jesus (as I've only begun to do in the last year or so) are these things an obedient response to what He has for us? The answer for me has been, no.  We can't pick & choose which parts of God's word are for us.  I fear we've been holding out our hands, saying we surrender it all to God, and want Him to "give us the desires of our heart", BUT with our fists closed.  We don't have our hands open so that He can place His desires in our hearts, and they then become "our" desires.  I was satisfied with my traditional church going, Bible-believing, craftily serving existence UNTIL not quite 2 yrs ago when  I began praying "that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, would give me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that I might know Him better."(Eph 1:17)  I encourage anyone who desires a closer walk with Jesus to pray the same. We don't have to wonder on this one...it's definately His will for us and He will give.  Warning: the first thing His wisdom revealed to me was that I had deep "middle layers of the onion junk" in my marriage that must be given to Him and dealt with before He could use me.  But let me encourage you, once we both prayed for death to self, and to be filled with the Spirit (cause without the Spirit we were without any power to make better choices, stop bad habits, end a hopeless cycle of bickering on OUR OWN) we had some new victories for the first time in 11 years of marriage.  Still not sure about what God has placed on the heart of David Platt, watch this (pause my playlist at the bottom first :):

RADICAL from David Platt on Vimeo.

For some your "RADICAL" will be going, for others it will be sacrificially giving so that others may go.  If you are lead to give, please click DONATE to give directly to Christie's Paypal account.  Christie took a leap of faith on her plane ticket for July and you may be part of God's provision.  Thank you for stopping by.

How We Got to the EDGE....

of the BOAT. About 9 months ago, I received an email requesting donations for a mission trip. Nothing out of the ordinary for a church-going mommy like me (we're always collecting for something, right?). After sitting in my inbox for 2 wks, I opened it to find a link to a blog, not just any blog, but KATIE's blog. I'd never read a blog in my life. This one was the turning point in my & my husband's life. God began using Katie's words, her testimony to cut to the marrow, the very center of our walk with Christ. What are we living for? What are we waiting on? What did Jesus say? I say I believe the Bible is God's Holy Word, written to instruct us through life in this world, well do I live like I believe it?

After reading Katie's recent posts at the time, I went back to the beginning of Katie's blog and read the whole thing. It made me search God's word and reflect on what it means for our lives, in a way I'd wanted to for years and never had the follow-through. How does this young woman surrender in this way? Can I, a mom of 3, living in the comfort of American domesticity have that kind of walk with Christ? Our stuff and self-sufficiency has ruined us from being desperate for Jesus on a daily basis. We're only desperate for God when we are in a crisis. Then we hit our knees, read our Bibles more, searching for encouragement, begging for help. I know this all too well, all my real growth up until now has been in a crisis. This is what we choose instead of abiding.

"Anyone who goes too far and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God; the one who abides in the teaching, he has both the Father and the Son." 2 John 1:9

We all know:

"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." John 15:5

Instead of daily communication we reach out to God most often in our struggles to deal with the pain of this world. How many friends would we keep if the ONLY time we ever heard from them was when they were on the side of the road, had lost a family member, or were facing a horrible diagnosis? Never a call to chat, catch up, share a meal, their family, or a visit: How close would we be? Now leading up to Katie's blog, I knew these things. I've known since I gave my heart to Jesus at age 9 that I should be reading my Bible daily. But after a good 10+ years of married life and seasons of closeness and huge spans of mediocrity and growth through canned Bible studies...there HAD to be MORE. After years of telling my self I'm failing and I can't be used until I'm doing "x, y & z" (total legalism), I began to learn about what it means to die to self. Asking the Holy Spirit, to fill me as I get myself and my thoughts & desires out of the way, so that He can work through me to be the wife He's called me to be, and to love, nurture, teach, and raise my children to fulfill His plan for their lives. Now I'm just learning this ... still a mess most days, still mess up, still fall apart, still get down at times (okay more times than I'd like to admit), but I know those thoughts are a LIE from the enemy and Hallelujah I have a Savior who picks me up again each day, if I'll only give it to HIM and quick trying to do it on my own.


It's too easy for us to "solve" our own problems. This coming from a woman, who epitomizes an overdose of "Girl-Power" preaching in the 90s. I'm the first one to jump when someone says,"You can't do that". Male dominated field of engineering . . . highschool teacher who said, "Don't major in anything that requires Physics" . . .Yep, I'm the nut who picked Electrical Engineering and made it through in 5 years (well, the teacher was right about that part, couple of redos in there :) Three years in a "real job" using my precious degree and then onto the REAL challenges of motherhood, and now a universe I would've laughed at had you told me I'd ever be Homeschooling. Am I a mom who's just a natural, who can never leave her babies, who is totally organized and on top of homeschooling? That would be a big fat NO. But all of these experiences have and are still bringing me to the end of myself. That doesn't sound all that exciting or desireable ...but oh how it is. You see at the end of myself, is where real abundant living in Christ Jesus begins. Yes, I've been saved and going to Heaven since I was 9. But enjoying my life as His adopted daughter, moving beyond His gift of salvation, to a totally surrendered life of adventure following His plans, it's been a moving target . . but we're getting there as we Step Out of the Boat and fix our eyes on JESUS.