After reading Katie's recent posts at the time, I went back to the beginning of Katie's blog and read the whole thing. It made me search God's word and reflect on what it means for our lives, in a way I'd wanted to for years and never had the follow-through. How does this young woman surrender in this way? Can I, a mom of 3, living in the comfort of American domesticity have that kind of walk with Christ? Our stuff and self-sufficiency has ruined us from being desperate for Jesus on a daily basis. We're only desperate for God when we are in a crisis. Then we hit our knees, read our Bibles more, searching for encouragement, begging for help. I know this all too well, all my real growth up until now has been in a crisis. This is what we choose instead of abiding.
"Anyone who goes too far and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God; the one who abides in the teaching, he has both the Father and the Son." 2 John 1:9We all know:
"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." John 15:5
Instead of daily communication we reach out to God most often in our struggles to deal with the pain of this world. How many friends would we keep if the ONLY time we ever heard from them was when they were on the side of the road, had lost a family member, or were facing a horrible diagnosis? Never a call to chat, catch up, share a meal, their family, or a visit: How close would we be? Now leading up to Katie's blog, I knew these things. I've known since I gave my heart to Jesus at age 9 that I should be reading my Bible daily. But after a good 10+ years of married life and seasons of closeness and huge spans of mediocrity and growth through canned Bible studies...there HAD to be MORE. After years of telling my self I'm failing and I can't be used until I'm doing "x, y & z" (total legalism), I began to learn about what it means to die to self. Asking the Holy Spirit, to fill me as I get myself and my thoughts & desires out of the way, so that He can work through me to be the wife He's called me to be, and to love, nurture, teach, and raise my children to fulfill His plan for their lives. Now I'm just learning this ... still a mess most days, still mess up, still fall apart, still get down at times (okay more times than I'd like to admit), but I know those thoughts are a LIE from the enemy and Hallelujah I have a Savior who picks me up again each day, if I'll only give it to HIM and quick trying to do it on my own.
It's too easy for us to "solve" our own problems. This coming from a woman, who epitomizes an overdose of "Girl-Power" preaching in the 90s. I'm the first one to jump when someone says,"You can't do that". Male dominated field of engineering . . . highschool teacher who said, "Don't major in anything that requires Physics" . . .Yep, I'm the nut who picked Electrical Engineering and made it through in 5 years (well, the teacher was right about that part, couple of redos in there :) Three years in a "real job" using my precious degree and then onto the REAL challenges of motherhood, and now a universe I would've laughed at had you told me I'd ever be Homeschooling. Am I a mom who's just a natural, who can never leave her babies, who is totally organized and on top of homeschooling? That would be a big fat NO. But all of these experiences have and are still bringing me to the end of myself. That doesn't sound all that exciting or desireable ...but oh how it is. You see at the end of myself, is where real abundant living in Christ Jesus begins. Yes, I've been saved and going to Heaven since I was 9. But enjoying my life as His adopted daughter, moving beyond His gift of salvation, to a totally surrendered life of adventure following His plans, it's been a moving target . . but we're getting there as we Step Out of the Boat and fix our eyes on JESUS.
